


Choices made, even though you disagree

by ryandarke



Category: Queen of the South (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-05-18 23:00:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19344421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ryandarke/pseuds/ryandarke
Summary: Wishful thinking ahead of 4x07





	1. Chapter 1

Teresa walked ahead as directed. There was no real practical alternative yet. Her hands were zip-tied behind her back, her mouth was taped. She was fast running out of options. Actually, she had no practical options right now. Adrenaline coursed through her as her mind calculated numerous permutations. She’d been taken captive what felt like 20 minutes ago, surprised and overpowered by what she thought was a Sicario. But she was still alive. Why not just kill her if that was his intention? It suggested that he had another purpose in mind. Where were they going? Was she being taken somewhere, to see someone? Running wasn’t a realistic option, so whilst her ultimate destination remained unknown, she was still alive. So she kept walking, waiting, wondering, momentarily optimistic but then realistic and pessimistic, and then strangely, she felt overwhelmingly angry that yet again, her life was in the hands of a man she’d never met before, for a reason he hadn’t revealed, and she had no god-damn agency in this situation. She could see a house ahead in a clearing – well, more of a shack, run-down and likely uninhabited and her captor signalled her to head toward it. Either someone was waiting there for her or they were far enough away from civilisation for her to be unreachable. Or both.  
For the first time in this forced march, the man spoke. 

‘That’s where you die, Teresa Mendoza. Slow and painful is what Colonel Cortez paid for for you.’ 

Teresa stopped walking and turned around. She planted her feet and squared up to the man, defiant and damned if she was going to go compliantly, even if realistically, she had no chance of survival here. She couldn’t even plead, couldn’t bargain or negotiate, couldn’t establish any rapport to try to gain some leverage with him, to try to buy him off. But she wasn’t scared; she was bloody angry and it flashed loudly in her eyes as she stood in front of him, then moved right up into him, challenging him with every fibre of her being, pushing into his space, refusing to go submissively to her end. 

‘Move, Teresa, move,’ he willed her silently. 

The sicario took an unconscious step back, caught off-guard for a moment by her temerity and even admiring of it. He didn't expect a woman to be so aggressive and fearless in this situation. But he gathered himself back up, supremely aware of his significant physical advantage over her and with a job he'd been handsomely paid to do properly. He secured his pistol behind his back, bent down and scooped Teresa up in his arms and began the final walk to the shack. Teresa wriggled and kicked and though his grip was strong, her anger and survival instinct were stronger and she writhed and strained defiantly enough for him to lose his grip on her. She landed on the ground, slightly winded, momentarily stunned, and looked up to see him standing above her, mocking and sneering at her futile efforts to avoid her destiny. He leant down, grabbed one of her legs and started to haul her along the ground. She thought she heard a crack in the distance, then a split second later she saw the fleeting impact of bullet through skull and felt the spatter of blood on her face. His instantly lifeless body in front of her. 

The shock of the execution hit her first, followed swiftly by incomprehension of what had just happened, aware of her heart pounding, the flood of adrenaline, fear, relief, disbelief and a renewed sense of danger from the unknown. She wasn’t out of the woods yet. Ahead of her, she saw a tall, solidly built fair-haired man emerge from the wooded area. Still the tension and survival instinct coursed through her. The danger wasn’t over yet. She managed to manoeuvre herself to her feet, never taking her eyes off the fair-head. But there was also puzzlement because she was sure the bullet hadn’t come from that direction. The fair-head glanced at her but was moving carefully but swiftly towards the shack, two hands on his gun but with it down by his side, scouting around him for any other threat. The bullet had come from behind her, she realized.

Teresa turned to look in the other direction. Simultaneously, she was shocked and not, seeing a familiar face emerge from the shade, clad all in black, rifle slung across his back, pistol in hand, hurrying over to her and pulling her to his side. 

‘Stay behind me but you stay outside when we get there,’ he quietly but forcefully ordered her and without waiting for a response, he continued the convergence on the shack. She did as he told her without question. Quickly, the two men moved through the shack, found nothing and no-one, and emerged slightly less tense than they’d gone in. 

James moved towards Teresa, pushing his gun into his belt at the small of his back. She watched him approach, desperate to be able to breathe properly again. He pulled his knife out of his pocket as he neared her, turned her around so that he could carefully slice through the rigid plastic zip-tie that bound her hands behind her back, then pocketed the blade. She pulled the tape from her mouth, grimacing momentarily as it pulled at her skin and her lips, and turned back around to face him, breathing hard. Teresa felt her heart pounding in her chest and her mouth open, to help her lungs adjust to being able to breathe properly again, she reasoned. They looked at each other. James realized his breathing was so shallow that he was practically holding his breath. Obviously, that was the reason for the tightness in his chest. And they looked at each other.


	2. Chapter 2

Time seemed to stand still, though it could only have been a matter of seconds, and tension hung in the air between them. Both of them wanted to reach for the other but neither was sure where the boundaries lay here. 

James reached up and gently wiped the blood from Teresa’s cheek. She felt his touch, felt her eyes close involuntarily and she lent into his hand.  
‘You alright?’ he said, eyes full of questioning concern as she opened her eyes again, already missing his touch.

‘I’m fine’ she replied, which felt inadequate, given the maelstrom of feelings, thoughts, questions that were bombarding her brain. She stepped back, re-establishing some distance between them. It just felt safer.

James looked over to his fair-haired companion. 

‘You seen anyone else?’

‘No, no-one.’

‘No, me neither. Let’s get out of here anyway.’

‘What’s going on?’ asked Teresa.

‘Cortez put a contract out before we took him. He paid for hits on you and Tony.’

‘I know. Slow and painful.’

‘Yeah but he paid for two of them and we don’t know where the other one is.’

‘He’s dead. They went after Tony at his school. Pote killed the other one. You’re sure there’s just the two of them?’

‘As far as we know, yeah.’

Teresa nodded slowly, feeling somewhat back in control. 

‘Who’s this?’ she asked, gesturing towards James’ companion.

‘This is Joseph,’ he replied. ‘Joseph, Teresa Mendoza.’

Joseph saluted her silently. 

‘Thank you for saving my life, Joseph,’ she replied. Joseph accepted her gratitude with a simple nod. He looked across at James and raised his eyebrows. James acknowledged the silent message. 

‘Come on, let’s get you back to your car.’

‘Why are you here? Where does Joseph fit in?’ she asked. 

James looked down. ‘Can we talk when we get out of here? I’ll explain as much as I can and I promise you’re safe with both of us but we just need to stay focused while we’re still out in the open. OK?’ She nodded her assent to his proposal. James and Joseph dragged the sicario’s dead body out of sight, rifled his pockets for car keys and took everything that could possibly provide any identification or indication of the reason his body came to be here. The three of them set off back towards civilization. 

There was little conversation between any of them on the hike back and the presence of a third party somehow made things easier. James and Joseph clearly trusted each other and knew how the other operated. Teresa wondered what the connection was there. She also had time to process some of her thoughts before the inevitable conversation. This wasn’t the first time he’d resurfaced after disappearing from her life for months on end, before returning to rescue her from mortal danger. But this wasn’t Malta and the parting of ways prior to that had been very different from this time around. She didn’t know where he’d been, how he knew about Cortez’s contracts, who he was working for and why he’d been so far off-grid… But they’d parted on good terms, the bond broken by her suspicion and questioning of his loyalty. 

They got back to the spot where Cortez’s sicario had left his truck. Teresa shivered at the sight of it, recalling the journey in the back of it, having been hijacked from her own car. Next to the truck was a black SUV. James and Joseph moved away from Teresa to discuss options, but she could just about hear the gist of the conversation.

‘You ok if I take Teresa in the SUV, you take the truck and dump it somewhere?’

‘Sure, man.’

‘I’ll check her car out, drop her off and meet you back at the motel, then head on back?’

‘Yeah. You want some time?’ 

Teresa watched as James shifted from one foot to the other and the tell-tale sign of stress emerged as he pulled his hand down the side of his face. 

‘Can we swing that? I can’t risk Devon finding out.’

Teresa couldn’t be certain she’d heard that right. James had lowered his voice but the cadence of it sounded like Devon. She felt a chill run down her spine. How the hell did he figure in this? He’d almost killed her and James was working for him?? Was she more at risk in this than she thought? But as multiple possibilities ran through her head, one thought drowned out the others. Trust him. This time…trust him. I still want some answers… but trust him right now. Surely he’s earned that? More than earned that. She was surprised at how calm it made her feel and how settled she felt with the conscious decision. 

She turned to find James walking towards the SUV, as Joseph climbed into the truck and drove off. James stowed the rifle in the trunk and as he walked back round to the driver’s side, he found Teresa standing by the door. She walked towards him and as she got closer, she raised her arms slid them inside his jacket, around his waist and she melted into his chest, holding him tight. James needed no encouragement to wrap his arms around her and felt the emotion flood through him. God, how often had he thought about this. How often had he tortured himself with the thought of it and the memory of it and the overwhelming probability that he’d never hold her like that again. They stood there, stock still. This was thank you for saving my life, for being there for me, for us both being alive to have this moment alone like this and dear God, but I’ve missed you and I didn’t know how much till now. 

James broke the spell. 

‘Shall we get outta here and find somewhere to talk? I haven’t got too long…’

She heard it more through his chest, as she held on, hanging on to every moment. But she nodded her head and felt him smooth his hands over her back a couple of times. The moment of parting was coming.

Finally, reluctantly, they broke apart. Neither looked at the other; it was just too much. Teresa walked around to the passenger side and they both climbed in, and headed back to the main road.


	3. Chapter 3

They drove in silence for a short while, neither entirely sure where to start. The car used to be a safe place for significant conversations but Teresa felt she needed to be able to look him straight in the eye for what she wanted to ask. It could wait. But James knew he was on borrowed time here. Start easy…

‘How’s business?’ he asked. 

‘Generally good. Phoenix is steady. Taza and Charger are doing a good job there actually.’

‘How’s New Orleans working out?’

‘There’ve been teething problems, let’s say, but I think things are getting back on an even keel.’ 

‘Javier working out?’ 

Teresa paused. She didn’t intend being disloyal to Javier but boy, he was a mixed blessing. 

‘He’s good.’

James looked at her, picking up on a pause that was just that bit too long. 

‘He’s still got Jimenez blood in him,’ she conceded with a faint grimace but that was as far as she would go. James knew there was more to that tale than she was letting on but it was inconsequential to him so he pressed on. There was business he needed to get to.

‘Things going OK with Castel Fieto?’

Again, the pause. Again, he picked it up. 

‘Teresa?’

‘Let’s get some coffee first,’ she said. ‘There’s a stop just up ahead. Then we can talk.’

They got their coffees and headed outside to one of the tables. More private, easier to talk freely. James was glad of the outside air and the sense of normality and freedom, even though he knew it was only a temporary hiatus from captivity. But he was going to enjoy every moment of it.

‘So,’ he said, lighting a cigarette. ‘Castel.’

‘Why do you ask?’

‘Because I know certain things but I need to know how much you know before I say anything.’

‘In many ways, there’s nothing to tell. Supply keeps coming in, product is moving and everything runs smoothly.’

‘But?’

‘I don’t know. She stopped by a couple of months ago. She made out that she was just passing through but something felt off. She seemed on edge, something about some farmers cutting into her business??? She was on edge and ‘Colombian farmers’ didn’t quite cut it. So what do you know?’

‘You need to be careful there. She’s incredibly smart, almost as smart as you, but she’s got connections that you need to be aware of.’

Teresa looked at him, searching his face. 

‘Devon Finch.’ It wasn’t a question. James didn’t need to say anything. 

‘OK, I don’t like it but how does that affect me? I can’t control who else she does business with and I’m not competing in Devon’s markets yet. As long as our business together keeps running, there’s no problem…?’

She looked at him again and he turned away again, taking a long drag on his cigarette. Teresa had had enough of this. 

‘OK, James,’ she flared ‘Cut the silent bullshit and start talking. Tell me how the hell you’re here, why you’re still watching my back, what the hell Devon has to do with this and be god-damn straight with me about Castel. If you haven’t got much time, you better start talking.’’

‘Devon is not a straight-up high-end drug dealer. He’s a player in a bigger game. Taking out El Santo was about taking out a hostile player that they couldn’t control but it was also about helping Castel. As long as Castel is powerful in Colombia, and as long as you’re an important customer to her, you’re safe. But it sounds like maybe the ground is shifting and she sees a real threat to her business. If she’s not a player, Teresa, then she’s at risk and you’re at risk. If she is under threat, then you’re gonna have to think about how to play that situation. You’re not as invisible as you would like and you’re involved with people that you don’t realise you’re involved with. And I need you to know that so you can be aware of it and protect yourself.’

It was a lot to take in but she needed more information from him while she had him here. 

‘Why are you working for Devon? You’re not saying it but you mean he’s heavily linked with the Feds. Why the hell are you working for him then? Does he know you’re here???’

‘Yeah, of course he does. Cortez’s contracts came on his radar when they hit Tony’s school. Going after Tony was about trying to draw you out but he would have been dead first anyway. That was purely about inflicting revenge on you.’

‘How did they know that I was connected to Tony?’ she interrupted but he’d already spotted it.

‘You still wondering about that tracker? Teresa, Guero and Chino and you and Brenda were close enough to Epifanio and Batman and Camila for everyone to know about you all, and how close you were. Chino and Brenda were both dead, there’d been no sign of Tony in Mexico for years, Camila and Cortez knew what you were like. It’s not much of a stretch to work out that you would be the one protecting him. He’s a bit too visible on social media for his own sake.’

‘Once Devon knew about the contract, he needed you kept alive because you’re valuable to Castel and you’re getting big enough to matter to her. It’s a sign of your success, actually. If you’d been killed in Bolivia, that would just have been collateral damage. You matter now.’

‘OK. But where do you fit in? You still haven’t told me that. I understand why you left me, I know I questioned your loyalty too far but why him?’

‘That was an easy choice. Devon needs to account for Suzie. I’m part of that. He wasn’t going to back off until he got me. And that’s bad for your business.’

‘So you did it to protect me.’

‘It’s not just about that, Teresa. Devon needs to account for Suzie but so do I. And for Mark and Diane actually. I knew that nothing was right about that job before I did it and I didn’t have the guts to stand up to Devon and do the right thing. Too many people paid too high a price for my weakness. I’m not going to add you to that list.’

‘You should have told me. We could have found another way.’

He turned to look her in the eye, needing her to get this. 

‘No. We couldn’t,’ he said firmly. ‘You’ve built a business from less than nothing, through the strength of your character and your intelligence and your bravery. Me staying was putting all that at risk, for something I did, that was nothing to do with you and I’m not gonna let that happen. That’s my choice, Teresa, that’s what I want, and you need to respect that.’

They held each other’s gaze, each challenging the other, neither letting go.

‘Are you supposed to be telling me all this? Has Devon told you to tell me this?’ It broke the deadlock but neither had looked away and neither had conceded the previous point yet. 

‘No. I’m not supposed to be telling you this. Devon knows he’s taking a risk sending me to protect you from the hit but he also knows I’m good at this kind of thing and that I’ve got more invested in protecting you than anyone else he can send. It says you’re valuable enough now to be kept alive and to warrant the risk of sending me to do it.’

‘Is this putting you at risk with Devon?’

‘To some extent. I know you'll use it carefully - but I do expect you to use it, Teresa. You protect yourself and your business first off. If it comes back on me, well, what can he do really?' Actually, there was plenty that Devon could do, much of it painful, but James could live with that and Teresa didn't need to know that. The only thing that would hurt James would be if Teresa was hurt in any way, and Teresa had got herself into a position of strength that meant that Devon had to be careful about anything he might choose to do, merely as retribution to visit on James.

‘How does he know you won’t run?’

‘Because he knows me well enough to know I won’t. And it would blow back on Joseph.’

‘Who is Joseph? Joe?’

‘Joseph – Joe was his father, so he’s definitely Joseph. We’ve done a few jobs together. He’s good, ex military too. I like him. I trust him, more’s the point.’

‘Does he know about me?’

‘He knows a little of it.’

‘Why’s he in with Devon?’

‘He’s got his own story, but it’s his. He’s a good guy, Teresa. I’m glad to have him on this one.’

She nodded slowly. She took a modicum of comfort from that. 

‘I’m glad you do too.’

The conversation stopped there. There was a lot to process for Teresa, personally and professionally. She needed a moment of two of silence without anything else coming at her. 

‘Have we got time for another coffee?’

James looked at his watch. It was starting to push things but he’d figure any problems out later. At this point, he didn’t care what happened later. Whatever it was, it was a price well worth paying for another 20 minutes with her. 

‘One more. Your round.’

By the time Teresa returned with two more cups of coffee, James was slowly pacing around the a grassy mound just behind the tables, halfway through another cigarette. He took the coffee from her and they both sat down on the grass. As James reached across to his side to stub his cigarette out, the leg of his jeans rode up slightly. Teresa spotted the grey plastic cuff around his ankle. 

‘GPS tracking, I presume?’ she said with distaste.

James scrunched his nose. ‘Aah, it’s a very small price to pay to make sure you’re alive. It’s nothing.’

‘He’s a shit.’

James smiled benignly. ‘I know. But it is what it is. Is Tony OK?’ he continued, wanting to move the conversation away from his current circumstances, wanting to know more about her life. 

‘Yeah, Tony’s fine. He’s still shaken up by the whole thing at the school, but he’s OK.’ Teresa thought for a moment about whether this was the time and place for what she was thinking about. 

‘Talking of choices and accounting for them, there’s something I’ve been thinking about lately.’ She dropped her head down and looked at her coffee. 

‘What’s that?’

‘Kelly Anne.’ She looked up, straight ahead out over the horizon.

James said nothing but his mind ran fast, trying to calculate where this was going. What was the right response here? Teresa was staring wistfully into the distance. He reckoned, on balance, the decision was weighing on Teresa’s conscience and this was a safe space to unburden herself of the guilt. 

‘What about her?’

‘I sometimes think about that decision.’

‘As hard as it sounds, it had to be done,’ he said, offering support. 

‘Yes it did.’

Teresa finally turned her head to him, looking directly at him, mouth pursed. James held her gaze and his nerve but he'd miscalculated. Yep, this was an accusation. She knew. He gave in and turned away, and lit another cigarette. 

‘What do you want to know?’ 

‘Everything.’

He exhaled a long plume of smoke. ‘Where is she?’

‘At Pote’s house.’

That surprised him. That Pote had a house, for a start, and that Kelly Anne seemed to be shacked up there. How the hell did you swing that, cabron? 

‘Well, that should tell you everything you need to know about why Pote couldn't. Actually, I think he would have in the end, out of duty to you, but it would have torn him apart too. So I told him to go watch the road and that I’d do it.’

‘But you didn’t,’ she fired back at him.

‘OK, OK, let me talk. Why did you decide you wanted her dead?’

‘She almost got me killed, James. I trusted her. You know I never trusted anyone and I trusted her. She broke that.’

‘So it was retribution? Punishment?’

‘You hate rats even more than I do. It was about the threat to our business too. We lost our supplier. She brought Devon back into our world, and that’s worked out well, hasn’t it.’

‘I brought Devon back into our world. When he couldn’t get what he wanted from you through me, he just found another way to get it. He found a weakness and exploited it. That’s business. And think about it. Until Camila stepped into her world, Kelly Anne was just a bored, over-privileged but safe and pampered Dallas corporate wife. She got sucked into a life she didn’t ask for and wasn’t prepared for. Not everyone has the strength of character and survival instinct that you have, Teresa. We’re not all as strong as you. Just think what she went through – she killed her husband for you, she’d been living on the run, on the edge for months, then there was the night with Devon at the winery and however much we tried to keep her on the legitimate side of the business, the lines were blurred. She knew what was going on, she was right on the edge of it. We knew she was using to try to cope with it all. She was easy pickings for Devon. I’m sure he told her some story that involved keeping you safe, rather than putting you in danger. He knows how to play that. So we needed her away from us for certain, but she was very little danger to us once she was burned. She was terrified enough never to come back. She was one death we could avoid having on our conscience.’

‘Except she did come back.’

‘Why?’

‘Because Tony was in trouble.’

‘OK…… And she went to him because his life was in danger?’

Teresa said nothing. 

‘And she put her life on the line, not just from professional killers but by probably revealing her existence to you?’ He wasn’t making this comfortable for her. She tried a different tack. 

‘All that might be true, James, and don’t think it wasn’t a hard decision for me,' she said calmly and firmly. 'But it was my decision to make. And whatever I decided, whether you and Pote agreed or not, I trusted you to take care of it.’

‘Like Camila trusted me to take care of the maid, Teresa?’


	4. Chapter 4

Driving along a road with no-one knowing where you are or where you’re going is a double-edged sword. Today, Teresa had felt both edges. On her journey out from New Orleans, it turned out she wasn’t quite as alone as she thought she was and it almost cost her her life. On the way back, she was as safe as she was ever going to be in this life, and uncontactable. Her cellphone had been destroyed but it also wasn’t wholly unreasonable that her phone was turned off. She’d wanted a day off, a day to herself, she’d told Pote and Javier. Business had settled down after the mayhem of recent weeks – no need to call her. It was only just after 2pm. Why would anyone have missed her yet? This was time and space and solitude and privacy to take stock of events and she was happy to drive as long as she needed to process her thoughts. 

James. What to think about James. What to do about James. The latter was easier than the former. He had been clear about what he wanted. He wanted to be left where he was and she understood why, she respected why, she saw the benefits of it for her and her business. The chances of her accepting his choice were zero. If today’s conversation with him had shown her anything, it was that being the bringer of objectivity to the other’s subjective decisions did have value, even if it brought initial anger for the countermanding of the decision. James was right about Kelly Anne; Teresa couldn’t argue with the relief his decision had brought to her conscience.

‘Like Camila trusted me to take care of the maid, Teresa?’ 

They’d sat silently for a pregnant minute or two, while that sank in. 

‘Look, I meant what I said in Malta,’ he said softly. ‘I wasn’t saying what I thought you needed to hear, to get back in with you. I meant it. I want to do things differently, exactly like you said. Without all the killing. We didn’t need to kill Kelly Anne to get her out of our business and she didn’t deserve to die.’

Teresa had just looked at him, still saying nothing.

He had one card left to play. ‘You let Camila live. After all she’s done to you, you let her live. But you think Kelly Anne deserved to die? Or was it because Kelly Anne was just disposable? That’s not you, Teresa. That’s not who you wanted to become.’

 

Teresa slowed up as the traffic snarled ahead of her. Damn him but he was right. And was it a slight feeling of shame that her decisions for those two sharply different women had been so different and so unequal? She wanted Kelly Anne disposed of but was prepared to spare Camila? Sparing Camila was good business, that was the difference. Where had she lost herself? It was good business…

‘So why did you spare Guero in Bolivia?’ They were back in the SUV, heading back to her car.

‘It was good business. I figured if I killed Guero, you’d never have worked with Camila and just when we’d got a new supplier, we’d have lost him. Again. And we’d have gained enemies we didn’t need.’

‘How did that go down with Camila?’

He smiled. ‘You saw how that went down with Camila! You benefited out of how that went down with Camila. Didn’t regret it for a minute though.’

‘That the only reason you didn’t kill him?’ she teased, turning to look at him.

‘No. He saved my life when he didn’t have to.’ Surprising and not, how they'd never talked in detail about that Bolivia trip. He glanced at her quickly. 

A knowing nod…still looking at him... ‘Any other reason???’

Eyes fixed on the road, but a quick flicker of a bashful grin betrayed him before he got it back under control. ‘You know the other reason.’

Distracted by recollections of the playful exchange that had sparked up out of a serious conversation, Teresa was snapped back to the present by the blast of the horn from the truck behind, as the traffic moved but she stayed still. She waved apologetically and let the warmth of the distracting memory linger on. 

‘What happens to you and Joseph now?’ she’d asked.

‘We go back.’

‘Where?’

‘West.’ She wasn’t going to get anything more specific out of him than that.

‘Is there something I can do to help?’ 

‘Yes.’

‘What?’

‘Leave it alone.’ He got no response from her, so he pressed it again. ‘It’s safer that way.’

‘You mean I’m safer that way.’ 

‘It’s better all round. I mean it, Teresa,’ knowing where her thinking was going and trying to fend that off. ‘Things have a way of working out, so just leave it alone, yeah? Don’t worry, I’m fine.’

She found herself squeezing the accelerator more forcefully, as the bitter taste of resentment of Devon Finch and his arrogance and his duplicity emerged to the surface and became full-blown anger. 

You might be fine, she thought, but I’m not. I’m a long way from fine. You’re still protecting me, you stubborn pendejo, only this time you’re doing it with your own freedom, with your own life, to a guy who’s getting rich and untouchable playing both ends to the middle. My business isn’t fine with it. It’s missing the objectivity and cool-headed thinking that you give it, and the lack of you is costing me dear – financially and ethically.

She didn’t know quite how it was going to happen yet but he’d said it himself – she was becoming a significant enough player now to be important, to have influence, to be accommodated. She was coming to a position to be able to negotiate what she wanted with people like Devon. This was a judgement call for her business and just as she had to live with his judgement calls for her business, he’d have to find a way to accept hers. Besides, she’d already started to lay the foundations for him to get why this was going to happen. 

They got back to her car. Time was nearly up. James had called Joseph to let him know he was nearly done, appreciative of the space that Joseph had given him in not calling at all to hustle James along. Teresa wondered what power it was that enabled Devon to make good men do his bidding. She had a slashed tire that needed changing, using the spare in the trunk. Teresa was more than able to do it herself but she was becoming aware of the soreness in her back from being dumped on the ground in the woods and dragged along. Besides, it gave her another 5 minutes or so with him and she was realizing how much she wanted to eke out as much time as she could with him. 

And yet, they’d said nothing to each other as he changed the wheel. Teresa’s mind whirred. No doubt that was a burner phone he had. Trying to stay in touch was a non-starter and would only put him in danger. She knew what she was going to say in her head. He stood up, put the damaged tire back in the trunk and for the lack of anything to rub his hands on, swiped them down his pants. 

‘Don’t forget to replace the spare. In your line of work, a good chance you’ll need it again,’ another attempt at some levity that neither of them felt. ‘I gotta go.’

They reached out to each other and held each other tight.

‘Thank you.’ she said, squirming inside at the sheer inadequacy of that, which reflected nothing of what she’d spent the tire changing process thinking. 

‘No problem. Take care of yourself.’

‘You too.’

And then she climbed into the driver’s seat and watched in the mirror as he turned and walked back to the SUV. As he opened the door to climb in, he looked over to her. She just sat there then he saw her head turn to slightly to her right. Still, she didn’t turn the ignition. What was wrong? He needed her to go. Please. Don’t make this even harder.

Teresa heard the cool, detached voice from the seat next to her. 

“So you got lucky and survived again. Your time will come. Who’s to say it won’t be tomorrow.’

James watched as she opened the door and got out of the car again. She strode towards him purposefully, hands dug in pockets, head tilted slightly to the side, a slight frown between her eyebrows and her mouth pursed, in that look she had that demanded to be taken seriously. 

‘What’s up?’ he asked, puzzled and concerned.

‘Whatever happens from here, there’s something you need to understand.’ A beat then she pressed on with strength and insistence. ‘You need to know I love you.’

 

She replayed the words and the moment to herself as she decided to stay on the freeway another exit and take the slightly longer route back to the city. It hadn’t been a romantic declaration of love; there was nothing soft and gentle about it. It was a statement of fact. And the words had come out right. It wasn’t just an expression of feelings; it was too important to her that he knew it inside himself, that he understood that he was loved and that he was worthy of the love of someone whom he admired and respected as much as he did her. If she hadn’t laid it straight out on the line as clearly as she had, she feared he’d not accept it, that he’d discount it as merely sentimental, borne out of gratitude for saving her life. And it was way, way bigger than that. It was something that had been tested many a time, too many times, and it was surviving against everything that had so far been thrown at it. 

 

She looked at him directly and saw him react to her statement. Clearly not what he was expecting at that point, it had taken a moment to register but when it did, it caught his breath. He simply stood looking at her, as he took it in and then they moved automatically towards each other, unconsciously mirroring each other as partners do, the tenderest kiss, one hand so gently holding the other’s cheek, giving everything you have in your heart and soul and feeling it all come back to you in return. They held each other cheek to cheek, a poignant echo of their parting in Phoenix so many months ago.

‘I love you too,’ he whispered against her cheek. She was surprised how peaceful it made her feel to hear it, even though she already knew it. 

They broke away and Teresa reached her hand up and smoothed it gently down his cheek and nodded to him. I’ve got you, I’ve got you.

‘And stop smoking so much, it’s bad for you,’ she said with a smile, and turned back to her car. She heard him gently chuckle at that, and turned over her shoulder, cheeky smile on her face, to see him smiling more broadly than she’d ever seen him smile before. 

 

She came off the freeway at the next exit, feeling freer than she had for many months, knowing what she was going to do. His situation was still desperate; it was no stretch to think that this could have been the last time they’d ever see each other. And she was content that even if he later began to question it, in those moments at least, he knew it. He knew and he understood that he was loved and loved by her. And if he knew that, maybe he’d understand why she couldn’t respect his choice and he’d have to find another way to atone for Suzie and her family, because whatever Devon had him doing had no motivation in righting that wrong anyway. And besides, finding a way to extricate him from Devon bloody Finch was good for her business. 

She drove directly to her apartment. She wanted to shower and change before she went back to her business. She wasn’t sure yet what she was going to tell anyone, wasn’t sure what they needed to know and what to keep for herself. She’d have to postpone her evening plans with Eddie. He was a nice guy. He didn’t deserve to be the afterthought of this day, watching the luminance in her face, thinking that was for him, not knowing it was the infinitely reverberating echo of four softly whispered words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, not sure this what I wanted or expected to come out. Not much editing and proof reading, work calls.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry this is a bit long, and the editing and proof reading may leave something to be desired. But another situation of 'got to get this out of my system' but also need to do some work now, so it's just going as it is...


End file.
